{"id":347,"date":"2012-03-14T01:50:23","date_gmt":"2012-03-14T05:50:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/?page_id=347"},"modified":"2016-12-11T06:39:08","modified_gmt":"2016-12-11T11:39:08","slug":"ch8-maintaining-health-mind","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/chapters\/ch8-maintaining-health-mind\/","title":{"rendered":"Ch8: Maintaining Health \/ Mind"},"content":{"rendered":"

www.HoneyIShrunkTheGrief.com<\/span>
\n \u00a9 2012 Eric Vaiksnoras<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOne little spark of imagination, is at the heart of all creation\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/span>
\n \u00a0~Figment (Walt Disney World \/ Epcot character)<\/span>
\n.<\/span>
\n.<\/span>
\n<\/em><\/span>ADDRESSING CONTROLLABLE FACTORS IN A HOPEFUL WAY:
\n<\/strong><\/em>Sometimes when I feel stuck, I find it helpful to stop and think about what I have control over. I\u2019m usually successful at finding something hopeful to direct my energy towards. If nothing else, I at least always have my attitude that I can work on. That in itself brings me great feelings of hope \u2014 because that means I\u2019m never without choices.<\/p>\n

Attitude is a powerful force that can provide lots of grief relief. I notice that when I keep a hopeful attitude, it opens doors inside me, creating an environment in which my thought processes have greater access to all the resources that surround me. This typically puts my creative energy into high gear and gives me the strength to enjoy the challenge of figuring out a way to bring some light to a dark situation.<\/p>\n

An example of this that comes to mind took place just a few short months after Julie died. I remember I was sitting alone in a parking lot late one night after class. The campus was dark, quiet, and still; I was feeling very alone and lost.\u00a0Out of habit I pulled out my cell phone to call Julie, like I had done on so many occasions in the past. This familiar routine was quickly interrupted when I remembered my new reality.\u00a0I felt grief laughing at me because Julie was no longer reachable by phone. I felt sad, helpless, and defeated.<\/p>\n

Then I had an idea.\u00a0I opened my phone and looked at the numbers that corresponded to the letters in her name \u2014 and dialed \u201cJ-U-L-I-E\u201d. I also said a prayer.\u00a0I then put the phone to my ear and proceeded to talk to her.\u00a0She was unable to respond in the way she did when she was physically on the other end of the line, but, oddly enough, I felt her response in my heart.\u00a0And while throughout the majority of the \u201cconversation\u201d it felt like she was just listening, that was ok, because that happened to be exactly what I needed.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve called Julie in this way on a few other occasions now, and it has felt healing each time.\u00a0It\u2019s surprisingly easy to get over the fact that she\u2019s not physically there.\u00a0One reason I think this is the case is because when I talk with someone in person I\u2019m used to a physical communication and connection, but whenever I talk with someone over the phone, they are not physically present, which changes communication styles. I think these differences help to make these special phone conversations with Julie feel relatively natural (except for the time when someone actually called and startled me when I was in the middle of one of my calls to Julie; you should have seen me jump when the phone rang next to my ear! I laughed so hard at myself and made a mental note to turn off my phone first next time!).<\/p>\n

Can I bring Julie back?\u00a0No.\u00a0But are there things that I can do to connect with her love, if and when I need to?\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n

It all boils down to my ability to find hope. Like with anything else, with practice, this has gotten easier and easier to do.\u00a0Searching for hope\/opportunity, regularly, becomes a health enhancing habit.\u00a0There are controllable factors in any situation, and I see it as a huge benefit for me to search out these pieces of hope and to use them as needed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

POSITIVE SELF-TALK:
\n<\/em><\/strong>Am I talking to myself in a loving way?\u00a0Am I talking to myself in the same way I would talk to a best friend who was in trouble?\u00a0I\u2019m convinced that a lot of my health maintenance is directly related to positive self-talk.\u00a0Having constructive internal conversations is an incredibly powerful thing.\u00a0I think it\u2019s critical to make friends with myself, if I ever expect to make friends with my situation.\u00a0And one of the best ways I\u2019ve found to do this is to frequently monitor my internal dialog and make every effort to talk to myself in a loving and respectful way.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

APPLYING MY GIFTS\/STRENGTHS TO MY CHALLENGE:
\n<\/em><\/strong>My passions are typically rooted in things I perceive myself to be good at.\u00a0Why does this occur?\u00a0I imagine it has everything to do with probability. I feel much more confidant when I can draw from something I\u2019ve had success with in the past.\u00a0It makes a challenge less scary because I don\u2019t have to start from scratch, from a completely unknown place.\u00a0I can start with a game plan that already includes the framework of a past success. This helps me to feel capable.\u00a0It helps me to believe, which is an invaluable resource.\u00a0Having something to believe in makes all the difference.<\/p>\n

This knowledge has helped to get me through numerous grieving challenges. One of the most difficult challenges was the fact that after Julie died I still had an enormous amount of love for her that I didn\u2019t know what to do with.\u00a0She died, but our love didn\u2019t.\u00a0I was confused by this and in a state of crisis.\u00a0I needed to sort through the wreckage and make some emergency repairs.\u00a0The repairs needed to consist of a promise of hope. For what\u2019s life without hope? Meaningless. Unwanted.\u00a0So turning to my gifts for strength during that time wasn\u2019t just helpful, it was vital to my survival.<\/p>\n

There were a number of strengths I found in myself that I turned to along the way. One of my most powerful ones involves my creative side.\u00a0I typically enjoy problem-solving and using my creative side to figure out how to meet needs.\u00a0This is usually done on a much smaller scale, but none-the-less, I was now faced with a problem, and it was time for me to do some problem-solving.\u00a0One of the results was the birth of this book.\u00a0It was so freeing to me because it allowed me to connect.\u00a0I\u2019ve found grief to be something that feeds isolation, and I\u2019ve found that connecting with others keeps the flame of grief at a controllable level \u2014 one that can be an ally that shines light on my life, rather than a destructive enemy.<\/p>\n

This book allowed me to connect with Julie as well.\u00a0Death laughed at me at first, with not-so-subtle whispers of, \u201cI took something you loved dearly, and as much as you need to connect with her, you\u2019re out of luck, because she\u2019s gone now\u201d.\u00a0But by turning to my strengths, I realized that I was the one in control, not death.\u00a0If I need to connect with Julie, there are countless ways in which I can do so.\u00a0If I need to connect with this world, there are countless ways in which I can do so.\u00a0This book helped me to re-establish my connection to life.\u00a0This book was born from one of my greatest reactions to death: finding a way to incorporate my known strengths into my current challenge<\/em>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KEEPING A SENSE OF HUMOR:
\n<\/em><\/strong>\u201c<\/em><\/strong><\/span>From there to here and here to there,\u00a0funny things are everywhere.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0~Dr. Seuss, 1904 – 1991<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
\nSharing a Laugh<\/span> <\/strong>
\nEric(38) & David(8) – January 2012<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span>
\nOne of the gifts I\u2019ve been blessed with is the ability to laugh at the most disheartening of situations. Laughter is a magnificent form of medicine. On many occasions, it has allowed me to magically escape from the pain associated with grief.\u00a0There are few things that I find too heavy to laugh at.\u00a0And I\u2019m sure there are plenty of times when no one laughs with me, but that\u2019s ok, because while I very much welcome a shared laugh \u2014 as there are few things in this world better than that \u2014 I can also very much appreciate a moment when I\u2019m laughing by, or at(!), myself.<\/p>\n

I can remember a low point a few months after Julie\u2019s death when my sense of humor came to the rescue.\u00a0I had our house up for sale and was preparing to move in with my mom and her partner.\u00a0I had a houseful of my stuff that in no way could be accommodated by the smaller home that we were about to move into, so I was left with a couple of undesirable choices.\u00a0One, I could rent a storage garage and store my larger belongings until I had my own place again.\u00a0Or two, I could sell my larger belongings and put the money towards the eventual purchase of new items.\u00a0After investigating the high cost of renting a storage unit, I decided it made more sense to sell my stuff.\u00a0There was nothing easy about this, as they were all things I was attached to, but it seemed like the best of my two options, so I did what I had to do.\u00a0To help sell my stuff, I crafted an email that included the things I had for sale, and sent it off to family and friends who I thought might be interested in an item or two.\u00a0This \u201cfor-sale\u201d situation felt morbid in many ways, so I think I instinctually recognized the need to make myself laugh, so I created a 2nd email that poked fun at the absurdity of my situation. Along with pics of the bed, furniture, etc., I went ahead and put my toothbrush, shampoo, and toilet up for sale too! I thoroughly enjoyed creating the descriptions (below) of each; it provided a much needed release. If I have to do something I don\u2019t want to do, I may as well have fun with it\u2026<\/p>\n

FOR SALE <\/strong><\/u>
\nUsed <\/strong>Finast<\/strong><\/em> supermarket\u00a0brand toothbrush: 55 cents <\/strong>
\nFinast<\/em> brand toothbrush is full size with soft bristles.\u00a0No bells and whistles, just a good old-fashioned toothbrush.\u00a0With close examination you may be able to notice a slight discoloring or yellowing of the bristles.\u00a0Has been used twice daily for a couple of months but still has some great brushing left.\u00a0You\u2019d be silly to pass this up.<\/span><\/b><\/i><\/u><\/p>\n

Family size Suave Naturals Aloe Vera shampoo:\u00a090 cents <\/strong> <\/strong>Family size Suave Naturals shampoo is great if you have a family or just use quite a bit of shampoo.\u00a0It\u00a0originally had 22.5 ounces.\u00a0About 16 ounces currently remain.\u00a0Bottle has a nice\u00a0flip cap feature that is convenient\u00a0when you just don\u2019t have a lot of\u00a0time to be messing around.\u00a0Makes a great gift.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

American Standard Toilet: best offer <\/strong> <\/strong>American Standard has set the bar high for other toilet manufactures. I have yet to clog this thing up.\u00a0It has a pearly white finish that helps to make the whole restroom experience quite pleasant.\u00a0You probably won\u2019t come across a better used\u00a0toilet.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

SMILE:
\n<\/em><\/strong>I can go on and on about how important smiles are to me, to my health, but I\u2019ll keep this one short and sweet \u2014 like a smile itself.<\/p>\n

Is there an easier way to brighten this world?\u00a0Not sure that there is.\u00a0A smile lightens the heaviest of loads.\u00a0A smile is a gift that keeps on giving.\u00a0They\u2019re contagious in the most wonderful of ways.\u00a0Even when I\u2019m sad, receiving a smile instantly brings warmth to my soul. And giving a smile is just as amazing.\u00a0I can feel my mind following my physical body when I smile.\u00a0It\u2019s as if my insides have no choice, even if they\u2019re not in the mood, but to surrender to the love within a smile.\u00a0Powerful stuff.<\/p>\n

\"\"
\nBike Ride Smile!<\/strong><\/span>
\nDavid(3) – July 2007<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
\n1ST<\/sup> Day of Kindergarten Smiles!<\/span> <\/strong>
\nDaddy(35) & David(5) – August 2009<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

BEING GRATEFUL:
\n<\/em><\/strong>I\u2019ve come to terms with the fact that my perception of this world is very limited. All too often I find that events I perceive as misfortunes turn out to be my greatest blessings, so I\u2019ve determined that the best way to deal with my shortsightedness is to be grateful for it all<\/em>.\u00a0Yes, I still feel down at times, and there are still plenty of moments when I feel sorry for myself, but when all is said and done, it\u2019s comforting to know that I am very capable of finding the beauty in any situation.\u00a0And I shouldn\u2019t even say \u201cI\u201d, because that implies too much ownership in my role in all of this.\u00a0It\u2019s \u201clove\u201d that\u2019s doing the work, so I don\u2019t want to take the credit. I just want to try to not get in its way.<\/p>\n

My growing and life sustaining faith that everything happens for a reason \u2014 and that reason, whatever it is, is a good one \u2014 continues to heal me.\u00a0And my choice to be grateful for all of my life experiences results in more than just an optimistic perspective; it makes me feel that I am continually receiving the best gifts this world has to offer.<\/p>\n

The universe wants to bless me, and will continue to do so, regardless of my actions.\u00a0If I want to find comfort in this process, I\u2019m finding that all I have to do is have faith that love will find a way\u2014which isn\u2019t very hard to do, because when I take a good look around, evidence of this is everywhere.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

FEAR:
\n<\/em><\/strong>\u201cNothing in life is to be feared.\u00a0 It is only to be understood.\u201d<\/em><\/strong>
\n~Marie Currie 1867-1934<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve come a long way in learning how to not be afraid of death\u2014how to not be afraid of love.\u00a0From the start I was grieving a separation from Julie\u2019s love.\u00a0Grief and fear are powerful business partners, and I so very often felt their controlling presence.\u00a0Throughout my widowed years I\u2019ve come to see that so much of my recovery\/stability involves learning how to not be afraid of her love\u2014learning how to access her love.<\/p>\n

I could comprehend the fact that death couldn\u2019t destroy love. And that was comforting. Love is not something that goes away. Love just is, and always will be.\u00a0Yet in spite of being fully aware that her love still existed, it felt scattered inside me\u2014and that brought on feelings of fear\u2014because I was unsure of my ability to connect with her love, unsure of my ability to ease the pain I felt inside.<\/p>\n

My solution (that I continue to work on):\u00a0Face my fear.\u00a0Look at it.\u00a0Admire its power.\u00a0Sit with it.\u00a0Welcome it.\u00a0Acknowledge its presence, and acknowledge that I can use its power for good.<\/p>\n

Fear and love will always be a part of me, whether I want them to be or not, so why not want them?\u00a0Why resist?\u00a0Why fight with friends?\u00a0Why not use fear, and love, to become more?\u00a0I see love as my greatest asset, so why would I want to make futile efforts at trying to separate myself from it?\u00a0Love is one of my powerhouse gifts that can get me through tough challenges, so what better application to apply Julie\u2019s love to, than this one?<\/p>\n

I just had to learn how to not be so afraid.\u00a0If I wanted to access Julie\u2019s love, I had to learn to have more faith in fear\u2014and I had to learn to have more faith in love. This understanding of fear has contributed to the strangest paradox of events\u2014I can use her love, to find her love<\/em>.
\n.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve always had a fascination with fear, even as a child. My mom tells stories of looking out the house window when I was five years old, shocked to see me balancing six feet in the air, carefully walking across the narrow top bar of our backyard swing set. And over the years, I\u2019ve done countless other things that some may not understand.\u00a0I lasted the full three rounds one night against a blackbelt karate instructor in a local bar\u2019s boxing ring (there was literally a boxing ring in the lower level of this bar in Twinsburg, Ohio). My brother was my cornerman (fitting), and Julie (a year and a half before her death) and other family members were cheering me on ringside! What an experience!<\/p>\n

I do not do things like this because I want to hurt myself; it\u2019s just the opposite. I enjoy putting myself in controlled scary situations, so I can learn more about fear, learn more about myself.<\/p>\n

As time passes, I can feel my perspective widen. I\u2019m becoming more aware of all the love in my life and more aware that Julie\u2019s love is here to bless me.
\n.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"swingset_edit2\"
\nstill walking on swingsets…<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
\n\u2026and anything else I come across!<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
\nZiplining in beautiful Hocking Hills, OH<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
\nWhitewater Rafting with Family in Pennsylvania<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
\nPolar Bear Plunge Fundraiser<\/strong><\/span>
\nsubmerged myself in icy Lake Erie waters to face my fear of cold water and raise money for Special Olympics\u00a0– February 2011<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

~\u00a0\u00a0 ~\u00a0\u00a0 ~\u00a0\u00a0 ~\u00a0\u00a0 ~\u00a0\u00a0 ~\u00a0\u00a0 ~
\nClick here to continue to the next chapter (Chapter 9)<\/a>, but before you go\u2026
\nIf you\u2019ve connected with any of the content you\u2019ve just read in Chapter 8, please consider posting a response below to share your valuable thoughts and experiences with others.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Click here to order the newly released full-color paperback version of this book<\/u><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span>
\nNow on Facebook!
\nhttp:\/\/www.facebook.com\/HoneyIShrunkTheGrief
\n<\/a>Now on Twitter!
\nhttps:\/\/twitter.com\/#!\/EricVaiksnoras<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

www.HoneyIShrunkTheGrief.com \u00a9 2012 Eric Vaiksnoras \u201cOne little spark of imagination, is at the heart of all creation\u201d \u00a0~Figment (Walt Disney World \/ Epcot character) . . ADDRESSING CONTROLLABLE FACTORS IN A HOPEFUL WAY: Sometimes when I feel stuck, I find … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":219,"menu_order":8,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"sidebar-page.php","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-347","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/347","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=347"}],"version-history":[{"count":59,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/347\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1636,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/347\/revisions\/1636"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/219"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=347"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}