{"id":230,"date":"2012-03-11T17:46:02","date_gmt":"2012-03-11T21:46:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/?page_id=230"},"modified":"2016-12-12T23:07:30","modified_gmt":"2016-12-13T04:07:30","slug":"ch2why-does-this-hurt-so-much","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/chapters\/ch2why-does-this-hurt-so-much\/","title":{"rendered":"Ch2: Why Does This Hurt So Much?"},"content":{"rendered":"

www.HoneyIShrunkTheGrief.com<\/span>
\n \u00a9 2012 Eric Vaiksnoras<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt will teach you to love what you\u2019re afraid of, after it takes away all that you\u2019ve learned to love.<\/em><\/strong>\u201d
\n<\/em><\/strong>~Jack Johnson lyrics from Hope<\/span>
\n<\/em><\/span>.
\n<\/span>
\nThe initial months following Julie\u2019s death felt like a whirlwind of just about every emotion I can think of.\u00a0I was often left feeling exhausted, confused, numb, and scared.\u00a0I desperately searched and prayed for the healing light of hope, and clung to any form of it I could find.\u00a0To compound the situation, two other dearly loved family members died shortly after Julie; my mother-in-law passed away 11 months later, followed by my dad, on my 32nd\u00a0birthday.\u00a0Death was unmistakably in my face and the resulting pain was excruciatingly deep.<\/p>\n

\"\"
\nMy Loving Mother-in-Law<\/span><\/strong>
\nSo excited to be a grandma!
\nOctober 2003<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
\nCooking with My Dad<\/strong><\/span>
\n\u201cThe Lasagna!\u201d
\nDecember 1995
\n.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking back on these early widowed days, I find myself asking, \u201cWhy does this hurt so much?\u201d. <\/em>It seems like a simple enough question; yet, I have to admit, it really intimidates me.\u00a0I think I\u2019m intimidated by it because I know underneath its somewhat innocent appearance lays a challenging and multi-layered answer, and in order to have access to a closer look at these layers, I have to further immerse myself in memories of those early painful days.\u00a0Ironically, it\u2019s this same awareness of difficulty and fear that attracts me to this question.\u00a0I typically enjoy exploring my fears\u2014not for the pain that can accompany such an undertaking\u2014but for the rewards that lie on the other side.\u00a0I\u2019ve found at the heart of these rewards lies an invaluable commodity\u2014greater peace.\u00a0It is with these thoughts in mind that I set out to examine: \u201cWhy does this hurt so much?\u201d.<\/p>\n

I would like to begin this search by sharing three very private letters that I wrote to Julie after she died.\u00a0I am willing to share such personal notes because I think they help capture some feelings I\u2019d have difficulty expressing in any other way.\u00a0I have copied the letters onto this page, word for word, to be sure they were kept in their purest form.\u00a0They were written approximately 2 months, 3 months, and 9 months after Julie\u2019s death, and they are listed in that order.<\/p>\n

The first one is a message I sent in June of 2004 to the email account Julie had last used:
\n.<\/span><\/p>\n

Subject: i miss you <\/span><\/p>\n

julie,
\nhi sweetheart.\u00a0it\u2019s been just over 2 months and i don\u2019t know what to do or think.\u00a0i miss you so much. i can\u2019t believe all of this. i have total faith in God and that is what is keeping me together. i am in such shock. i still feel so close to you and to God but am very confused.\u00a0how did this happen?\u00a0i want to fight for you and bring you back.\u00a0i never got to fight.\u00a0i do know that you are safe.\u00a0thank you for helping me to feel your presence often.\u00a0thank you for being the most caring and loving wife to me. i know that we will be together again someday and that comforts me.\u00a0what is it like up there?\u00a0can you see me?\u00a0i can\u2019t wait to see you when it\u2019s my time.\u00a0you are going to get the biggest hug ever!\u00a0save me a permanent spot on your cloud or your star or wherever the magnificent place is that you are!\u00a0i love you soooooooooooo much.\u00a0i am so lucky to have had you in my life.\u00a0thank you for making me feel so special and so very loved.\u00a0we have so many amazing memories in our years together. i am so grateful for those. so many emotions. it hurts so bad even though I know that you are safe.\u00a0can you believe how many lives you touched?\u00a0holy cow, you must be in shock.\u00a0how were you that wonderful to me and all those other people at the same time?\u00a0you are amazing!\u00a0i think about you all the time.\u00a0david is getting so big.\u00a0i don\u2019t know exactly what you can see and that is hard for me.\u00a0i wish you were right here with me enjoying every second of the life that we created.\u00a0help me to take care of him.\u00a0i love him so much.\u00a0when will I get to see you?\u00a0i know, i\u2019m not supposed to know the answer to that one.\u00a0well, whenever it is, i can tell you that we will start over exactly where we left off.\u00a0maybe we don\u2019t even have to start over.\u00a0can we still grow together until that day comes?\u00a0i think and hope that we can. i still can feel you and somehow know to some degree how you feel.\u00a0that is pretty awesome.\u00a0please help me to keep my head up and to continue to feel your presence.\u00a0if you can see my grandmas, mickey, and other family, please give them a hug for me!\u00a0i love you always julie. i don\u2019t know what else to say but you will always be inside me and a most wonderful part of me.\u00a0you have brought so much joy to my life.
\nyour hubby,
\neric v
\n.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

This next one is a handwritten letter I wrote a few weeks later
\n(roughly 3 months after she died)\u2026
\n.<\/span><\/p>\n

Julie,
\n<\/span>Hi Sweetheart!\u00a0I\u2019m sitting upstairs in the Starbucks at Kent.\u00a0I was just thinking how badly I wanted you here with me.\u00a0I\u2019m at a little round table with two chairs.\u00a0It\u2019s kinda dark up here.\u00a0There\u2019s a little old fashioned lamp casting just the right amount of light on the table.\u00a0I miss you so much.\u00a0If you were anyplace but in heaven I would wish you back here with me.\u00a0I wonder when we\u2019ll get to be together again. It\u2019s very hard not knowing.\u00a0We were so lucky to have each other.\u00a0I want more.\u00a0I can\u2019t wait to see you again.\u00a0I pray that God keeps us together even when we are apart.\u00a0Remember when we were first dating and we would go to coffee shops?\u00a0You later accused me of being a fake coffee drinker!\u00a0I had so much fun with you.\u00a0It was so easy. We just belonged together.\u00a0Julie, please be there to greet me when it\u2019s my time.\u00a0I want to spend eternity with you.\u00a0 <\/span>
\nEric
\n.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

And this one was written 9 months after Julie\u2019s death:
\n.<\/span><\/p>\n

Lost and Found
\n<\/u>I have lost my beloved everything
\nBut I am finding more and more of her each day
\nOur love is capable of stretching infinite distances
\n<\/em>I am determined to fully learn how this can be done
\nOur love is becoming stronger than it ever has been
\nI will find her I am sure of this
\n.
\n.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

With the help of these letters taking me back, and with some additional time to reflect on it all, more of the numerous sources of hurt start to reveal themselves to me.\u00a0These early months were a time of such mixed emotions.\u00a0In many ways I felt hope, even from day one, but I still felt broken and lost inside.\u00a0There was such uncertainty in everything.\u00a0I struggled with my new identity.\u00a0Who am I?\u00a0Am I the same person I was before all of this? What do I do with all these feelings that I still have for Julie?<\/p>\n

\u201cTill death do you part\u201d snuck up and parted us, but I still had this huge mass of love, hope, and dreams that I didn\u2019t know what to do with.\u00a0Life had instantly become so new\u2014so different from what we had planned and expected.\u00a0Ours was supposed to be one in which we grew old together, supported each other through the good and bad times, and got to raise a family in as loving a way as we knew how. This<\/em>\u00a0was not what we expected at all; this<\/em> was completely different\u2014and \u201cdifferent\u201d hurt deeply.<\/p>\n

So much of my world had a connection to Julie that I was left dumbfounded.\u00a0She was physically gone, a most incredibly drastic change.\u00a0One that marked a devastating and very presumable end to our relationship\u2014yet so much of her was still a part of me, still surrounded me, still fueled me\u2014that it was just as easy to see it couldn\u2019t be the end.\u00a0 What an incredibly confusing time.\u00a0Her physical presence in my life was all that I had ever known.\u00a0I didn\u2019t yet know that I still had the ability to quench my deepest need\u2014my need to be able to connect with her love whenever I needed to.\u00a0How could I have known?\u00a0This was all so new.<\/p>\n

I also struggled greatly with feelings of guilt.<\/em>\u00a0I found this close partner of death to be quite ruthless, feeding off of anything I felt insecure about or had not yet come to peace with\u2014which at this point, was plenty.\u00a0One example of a good beating I took from guilt came from my actions during the first crucial minutes that passed after Julie\u2019s cardiac arrest.<\/p>\n

I was at home in our living room when it happened. I heard a loud noise in the adjacent bedroom. I called out to make sure everything was all right but didn\u2019t get any response. The eerie silence caused me to get up and check on things, and I found her unconscious on the floor next to our bed.\u00a0There was no question that she needed immediate help; I ran to the phone and called 911.\u00a0There was a fire station a quarter mile down the road from us, and the paramedics arrived within minutes.<\/p>\n

I replayed these frantic moments over and over again in my mind.\u00a0I believe I did so because I couldn\u2019t accept that my perfectly healthy looking 27 year old wife could be fine one minute and completely lifeless the next.\u00a0This defied everything within reason, and I desperately searched for an explanation. This need for an explanation soon got twisted into a need to blame someone or something for all of this\u2014and at that time,\u00a0I<\/em>\u00a0seemed as good of a candidate as any to blame.<\/p>\n

I interrogated myself with non-stop \u201cinstant replays\u201d of those initial 3 to 4 critical minutes before paramedics arrived. I frantically searched to find answers to countless \u201cwhat if?\u201d questions. What if I had put the phone down after giving the 911 dispatcher our address, so I could have put all my energy into performing CPR rather than answering her long list of additional questions? What if I did this\u2026?\u00a0What if I did that\u2026?<\/em>\u00a0 I grilled myself over and over again with every conceivable question I could think of that could have altered this unacceptable outcome.\u00a0These types of irrational, destructive, and unanswerable questions consumed me.\u00a0The ridiculousness of this is all too obvious now.\u00a0Of course<\/em>\u00a0I did everything to the very best of my ability to try and save my wife.\u00a0What more can I expect of myself?\u00a0Her death wasn\u2019t the result of anybody\u2019s fault, it was\u00a0life\u2019s\u00a0<\/em>fault.\u00a0But at the time, this wasn\u2019t so clear to me. Guilt brought me an incredible amount of hurt, and I found it very difficult to forgive myself, even for things that were completely out of my control.<\/p>\n

There were other sources of my pain as well.\u00a0It was extremely difficult to feel like I didn\u2019t have control of anything. First and foremost, there was nothing I could do to bring Julie back. That realization was torturous\u2014unlike any pain I\u2019ve ever felt.\u00a0This brought on a fight in me to try and change things, but she had died; there wasn\u2019t a thing I could do to bring her back.\u00a0I was left with no other course of action but to find a way to live with that fact, and this was by no means the kind of control I was desperately searching for.<\/p>\n

I also struggled with having to ask for help.\u00a0I was uncomfortable needing so much help. I think this was largely because I felt like I was regressing as an adult.\u00a0In my mind an adult shouldn\u2019t need as much help as I needed. I felt bad about not being able to be a full time student, full time single dad, full time financial provider, and full time griever. I had become this needy guy who sold his house and moved in with his mom and her partner. How did this happen?\u00a0There just wasn\u2019t enough of me to manage everything by myself, and it really hurt having to ask everyone for so much help.<\/p>\n

I remember feeling so uncertain of my future. I simply felt lost. Often times \u201ccoasting\u201d felt like the best thing to do.\u00a0I needed this valuable semi-static time to grieve and assess my new situation.\u00a0Julie had become such a part of me that in many ways I felt gone as well.\u00a0During this time I remember sympathizing with seniors, having thoughts about those who had lost a spouse after a lifetime of marriage.\u00a0I could now understand why older widows and widowers often die shortly after their spouses do.\u00a0I also understood that I was too young to let this happen to me.\u00a0I was only 30 years old and had too much to live for, including a bright eyed 5 month old son who needed me. I knew I had to make it no matter what, yet it hurt tremendously not knowing how.<\/p>\n

\u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve just listed some of the bigger causes of my hurt, now I\u2019d like to take a look at the exact opposite:\u00a0What has helped to alleviate my hurt? <\/em>Hopefully looking at it from another angle will help to provide a more complete picture.<\/p>\n

To assist me in my healing in the beginning, I sought the help of a counselor.\u00a0 I felt strong enough to do this about 6 months after Julie died. I was hesitant to go at first.\u00a0I think part of this hesitation was due to my aversion\u00a0<\/strong>to asking for help, especially at that time in my life, when I was already feeling self-conscious about receiving so much help from others.\u00a0I was also afraid of the unknown, and had fears of what a professional would have to say of my condition.\u00a0Would I be diagnosed as \u201ctoo screwed up\u201d?\u00a0The thought of such an assessment, and resulting further loss of hope, was a big counseling turn off for me.\u00a0In my mind, putting myself in a position to be analyzed meant that I would be in even more of a vulnerable state than I was currently in, and that was a very scary feeling.\u00a0I simply didn\u2019t understand the counseling process at that time.<\/p>\n

I was hurting badly enough, though, that I think the pain eventually overshadowed my hesitations, and I was able to convince myself to see a counselor.\u00a0I\u2019m so glad I did because I grew a great deal from the experience.\u00a0My counseling concerns soon vanished as I began to see the positive effect that counseling was having on me.\u00a0I attended all of my weekly sessions and, with the help of a great counselor, started to become more and more dedicated to things that promoted my healing.\u00a0This further helped me to gain control of my life. My confidence grew as I started to see that I was very capable of meeting my grieving needs.\u00a0I started to recognize that I could turn to my creative side to bail me out of just about any painful moment that I was stuck in.\u00a0I began to turn more of my focus to what I had control over and would search out creative ways to meet whatever need was causing me pain (this important and healing reaction will be illustrated numerous times throughout the remainder of this book).<\/p>\n

I began to put a lot of energy into searching for pieces of hope in my new world.\u00a0I imagine this was because I felt so hope-deficient inside that I needed massive quantities of it to meet the demands of my healing heart.\u00a0Fortunately, I found plenty of it around.\u00a0I began to see that I could locate a piece of hope in just about anything, and when I did, I would try and find a way to grow from it.<\/p>\n

One of the ways I grew from hope was by searching for it in various literary forms\u2014books, quotes, song lyrics\u2014you name it.\u00a0 I would then use these collected pieces of hope as building blocks to help me develop my own perspective tools.\u00a0These were handpicked\/homemade constructive tools that I could apply to my life whenever I needed help.\u00a0An example of one of my favorites is the statement, \u201cI am my reaction, not my misfortune\u201d<\/em>. These words help to remind me that although I will experience many perceived misfortunes in my life, ultimately, it\u2019s how I react to what happens that defines me.\u00a0I don\u2019t have to be the helpless victim who\u2019s at the mercy of fate or chance.\u00a0I\u2019m in the driver\u2019s seat and can choose what I want my reality to consist of.<\/p>\n

I strongly believe that one of the main reasons tools of this kind have been so influential in my healing is because I had a hand in their construction.\u00a0I didn\u2019t have a voice in death taking Julie, and there\u2019s nothing I can do about that, but there is something I can do about how I choose to heal\u2015and it feels really good to have a part in this process.<\/p>\n

My willingness to consider that I can actually grow from this hurt is another thing that brings me great hope.\u00a0I\u2019ve come to realize that I will never be wise enough to properly label my life events; I\u2019ve had too many rewarding and transformational things come out of circumstances that I had initially labeled as \u201cmisfortunes\u201d.\u00a0This helps me be much more open to the idea that my misfortunes are very likely to be packed with gold.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve found one such piece of gold while taking a closer look at the types of connections that I share with others. I see the physical connections I have with those around me as the kind I find great comfort and familiarity in, but I\u2019m finding that it\u2019s the soulful ones that are at the core of my existence; the soulful ones that give my life meaning and purpose.\u00a0This awareness has me wondering if this is all some sort of transitional step that is helping prepare me for whatever afterlife awaits?\u00a0Maybe the pain, and resulting growth, is giving me a valuable glimpse of how I will someday eternally exist and soulfully connect with my loved ones?\u00a0That sure is a heart-warming thought.<\/p>\n

I cannot be certain of what lies beyond this life, but one thing I do feel certain about is that all of this pain has not been for nothing. My hurt has made me a better me, and has allowed me to connect with this world in new and beautiful ways.<\/p>\n

Why does this hurt so much?\u00a0 <\/em>I still find this to be an incredibly difficult question to answer. I have a hard time making sense of it because I feel the hurt coming from so many places. Feeling lost hurts, change hurts, fear hurts, having to be patient hurts, being selfish hurts, losing hope hurts, growth hurts,\u2026and the list could go on.\u00a0If I had to sum it up in just a few lines, in an attempt to provide a more encompassing response, it would look something like this\u2026<\/p>\n

Because I\u2019m left with both<\/em> a Void (Julie\u2019s physical absence) and Everything (our Love). And I want the Everything\u2014without the Void\u2014but I can never have that again.<\/span><\/p>\n

and that Hurts.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

~ \u00a0 ~ \u00a0 ~ \u00a0 ~ \u00a0 ~ \u00a0 ~ \u00a0 ~
\nClick here to continue to the next chapter (Chapter 3)<\/a>, but before you go\u2026
\nIf\u00a0you’ve\u00a0connected with any of the content you’ve just read in Chapter 2, please consider posting a response below to share your valuable thoughts and experiences with others.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

CLICK HERE FOR NEW PAPERBACK VERSION OF BOOK<\/a><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Connect on Twitter: @EricVaiksnoras<\/span><\/u><\/a>
\nConnect on Facebook: @HoneyIShrunkTheGrief<\/span><\/u><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

www.HoneyIShrunkTheGrief.com \u00a9 2012 Eric Vaiksnoras \u201cIt will teach you to love what you\u2019re afraid of, after it takes away all that you\u2019ve learned to love.\u201d ~Jack Johnson lyrics from Hope . The initial months following Julie\u2019s death felt like a … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":219,"menu_order":2,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"sidebar-page.php","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-230","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/230","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=230"}],"version-history":[{"count":98,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/230\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1668,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/230\/revisions\/1668"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/219"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=230"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}