{"id":227,"date":"2012-03-11T17:44:15","date_gmt":"2012-03-11T21:44:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/?page_id=227"},"modified":"2016-12-12T23:04:55","modified_gmt":"2016-12-13T04:04:55","slug":"ch1-the-end-and-the-beginning","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/chapters\/ch1-the-end-and-the-beginning\/","title":{"rendered":"Ch1: The End and the Beginning"},"content":{"rendered":"

www.HoneyIShrunkTheGrief.com<\/span>
\n \u00a9 2012 Eric Vaiksnoras<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe beginning is always today.\u201d<\/em>
\n<\/strong>~Mary Wollstonecraft (1759-1797)<\/span>
\n.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

The long drive home from the hospital felt dreamlike and was filled with unsettling feelings of shock and disbelief. My life was no longer the same. This was the first time I had been home in several days, and after entering our incredibly quiet and dark house I headed straight for our bedroom. I had to face this dreaded room. The room where my beautiful wife, Julie, spent her last conscious moment alive.\u00a0It was the place I least wanted to be, but the place I most needed to be.<\/p>\n

I felt so scared and alone; adrenaline helped me to act without hesitation.\u00a0I swung open the bedroom door and turned on the light.\u00a0I stood motionless as I stared at the wooden floor next to our bed, the spot where my 27-year-old wife collapsed and lay lifeless after her cardiac arrest.\u00a0This was the spot where paramedics frantically tried to convince her heart to start again.\u00a0The haunting spot she would be taken from, to be rushed to the hospital where she would spend her final six days of life in a coma.<\/p>\n

I was in total shock as to what was now lying in this same spot. <\/em>A little embroidered throw pillow, which we normally kept on the top of our bed, had mysteriously made its way down to the floor below where it seemed to be waiting for me. The pillow sat perfectly square on that exact spot where Julie last lay\u2014with its beautiful message holding me captive.\u00a0The stitching on the face of the pillow read, \u201cLive well, Laugh often, Love much\u201d.<\/em><\/p>\n

The message filled me with love\u2014and questions.\u00a0How in the world did that pillow make its way to such a significant place?\u00a0In the days that followed, I searched and searched for any kind of logical explanation but came up empty.\u00a0I don\u2019t know how my wife did it, but I am convinced that she somehow found a way to leave me with this last simple and healing message. It is a message that I am extremely grateful to have received.\u00a0\u201cLive well, Laugh often, Love much\u201d<\/em> has come to be one of my most soothing and hopeful thoughts. It provides me with instant direction, particularly during times of great struggle.<\/p>\n

\u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6<\/p>\n

So now that I\u2019ve shared some of the end with you (Or was that more like the beginning?\u00a0It\u2019s hard to separate the two sometimes.), I feel the need to tell you a little bit about this amazing woman who made such a big impact on me and this world.\u00a0That\u2019s her in the picture below.\u00a0Julie.\u00a0I was completely head over heels in love with her.\u00a0We married in June of 2000, after a 2 year courtship, and were blessed to have spent almost 4 years of marriage together.\u00a0She was one of those people who could light up a room, and she was a joy to be around (except when I was really late for something!).\u00a0Her big bright gorgeous eyes, her beautiful warm smile, her deep soulful head-tilting-back contagious laugh, her sweet innocence, her straightforwardness and brutal honesty — turned me to happy mush inside!\u00a0I loved her with every part of my being.<\/p>\n

\"\"
\nWedding Day<\/span>
\n<\/strong>Eric(26) & Julie(24)\u00a0– June 2000<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
\nChristmas Fun<\/strong><\/span>
\nJulie(27)\u00a0– December 2003
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\"\"
\nValentine’s Day Date<\/strong><\/span>
\nEric(30) & Julie(27) – February 2004<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span>
\nJulie was an elementary school teacher who had a way of making whatever she touched in this world, better.\u00a0I think what was at the core of this gift was her wonderful ability to convey to people that she believed in them.\u00a0I was one of the fortunate people who grew from this gift of hers.\u00a0She expressed a faith and belief in me that made me feel like I could move mountains.\u00a0Her belief in me was instrumental in my decision to return to school to get back into the teaching program I had dropped out of years before we met.\u00a0She was simply amazing, and I feel like the luckiest man in the world to have had the time we did have together.<\/p>\n

\u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6<\/p>\n

In October of 2003, we welcomed baby David into the world!\u00a0Our family of two grew into three!\u00a0His birth is a miracle I will never forget.\u00a0Nor will I ever forget the love that I witnessed as Julie held David for the first time.\u00a0I have yet in all my days, come to see anyone express such happiness and love, as she did on that incredibly joyful day. Thinking about that moment instantly brings me to happy tears.\u00a0And it may sound ridiculous to hear that anyone could squeeze a lifetime of love into a few short months, but I believe that is exactly what she unknowingly managed to do for David.<\/p>\n

\"David's
\nLove at First Sight<\/span>
\n<\/strong><\/span>Mommy(27) & David(birth) – October 2003<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
\nHeavenly Gift<\/strong><\/span>
\nDaddy(29) & David(birth) – October 2003<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
\nBeing Born is Tiring!<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
\nOur Precious Boy<\/span>
\n<\/strong><\/span>Mommy(27), Daddy(30), David(2months)<\/span><\/span>
\nDecember 2003<\/span>
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

\"\"
\nFamily<\/strong> <\/span>
\nChristmas 2003
\n<\/span>\"\"<\/p>\n

\"\"
\nTogether<\/strong><\/span>
\nDaddy, Mommy, & David – December 2003<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
\nLast Picture Taken of Julie<\/strong> <\/span>
\nMarch 2004
\n.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

At age 27, five months after David\u2019s birth, Julie died very unexpectedly from a heart disease called cardiomyopathy. Up until the moment of her cardiac arrest, she appeared to be in good physical health. I remember telling my dad that our story felt like a happy movie with a bad ending. But since that time I\u2019ve come to understand that Julie\u2019s death was not at all the end of our love story. In fact, I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to say that my love for her has since evolved into something even more beautiful.<\/p>\n

\u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6\u00a0 \u25e6<\/p>\n

When Julie died I was a year and a half away from earning my bachelor\u2019s degree and teaching license.\u00a0I questioned the attainability of this dream. It\u2019s not that I didn\u2019t want to finish school; it\u2019s just that everything felt so overwhelming, and my path felt so unclear.\u00a0I was unemployed and going to school full time. I had baby David and a house to care for, a mortgage, and other bills that somehow needed to be paid. We would soon lose our health insurance that Julie\u2019s teaching job had previously provided us.\u00a0My new world was so hectic, confusing, and scary.\u00a0But as much as I felt like giving up at times, thankfully, I was always able to find a good reason to carry on.<\/p>\n

One of my \u201cgood reasons\u201d came in the form of finding a way to finish school.\u00a0Julie\u2019s love, support, guidance, and passion for teaching were such huge <\/em>inspirations for me, that finishing school had become much more than just my dream. This had become a dream that we were accomplishing together.\u00a0A dream that in so many ways she made possible.\u00a0I soon realized that I simply couldn\u2019t allow myself to fail\u2014because if I did, I felt like I would be failing her.\u00a0And I couldn\u2019t let that happen.<\/p>\n

With the help of family and friends supporting baby David and me, and Love Finding a Way<\/em>, I graduated with honors and earned my teaching degree.\u00a0As I walked across the stage and received my diploma, I raised my hand up high to the heavens to recognize Julie, and felt the most incredible sense of peace and satisfaction.\u00a0We did it.<\/p>\n

\"\"
\nKSU Graduation Day<\/strong> <\/span>
\nDaddy(32) & David(2) – December 2005
\n<\/span>\"\"<\/p>\n

.<\/span>
\nAs I look back on my graduation, I\u2019m reminded of other times in my life when I transitioned from life with Julie, to life without Julie. I just now realize, that in all reality, this idea of a transition is one that never has, or never will, take place.<\/p>\n

There never was a time when I was going to school with Julie, and a time when I was going to school without Julie.\u00a0There never was a time when I was raising David with Julie, and a time that I was raising David without Julie.\u00a0No matter what life variable I put into this equation, it always comes out the same way. Julie\u2019s love is a permanent part of me, of our son, and of everything else that she has touched.<\/p>\n

There doesn\u2019t need to be a \u201cbeginning\u201d and an \u201cend\u201d, nor is it even possible to have a beginning and an end. It\u2019s all connected.\u00a0It\u2019s all forever flowing.\u00a0And I\u2019m ok with that.\u00a0No, I\u2019m more than ok with that.\u00a0I\u2019m actually feeling ecstatic\u2014because that means I don\u2019t have to transition to a life without Julie!\u00a0Doing so would be unnecessary, and actually counterproductive, because it would be a losing battle from the start.<\/p>\n

The beginning is always today\u2026<\/em>because there never truly is an end.\u00a0Julie will always be with me regardless of the fact that she is physically absent. The more I reflect on death, the more I understand that love<\/em> will always bridge any gap.<\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

~\u00a0\u00a0 ~\u00a0\u00a0 ~\u00a0\u00a0 ~\u00a0\u00a0 ~\u00a0\u00a0 ~\u00a0\u00a0 ~
\nClick here to continue to the next chapter (Chapter 2)<\/a>, but before you go…
\nIf you’ve connected with any of the content you’ve just read in Chapter 1, please consider posting a response below to share your valuable thoughts and experiences with others.
\n.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/em>CLICK HERE FOR NEW PAPERBACK VERSION OF BOOK<\/a><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Connect on Twitter: @EricVaiksnoras<\/u><\/a>
\nConnect on Facebook: @HoneyIShrunkTheGrief<\/u><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

www.HoneyIShrunkTheGrief.com \u00a9 2012 Eric Vaiksnoras \u201cThe beginning is always today.\u201d ~Mary Wollstonecraft (1759-1797) . The long drive home from the hospital felt dreamlike and was filled with unsettling feelings of shock and disbelief. My life was no longer the same. … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":219,"menu_order":1,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"sidebar-page.php","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-227","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/227","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=227"}],"version-history":[{"count":138,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/227\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1667,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/227\/revisions\/1667"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/219"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com\/book\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=227"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}